Domingo. Finalmente chegou o dia. É hoje que eu vou arriscar, é tudo ou nada. Ontem o meu gatinho (príncipe idealizado, como costumamos chamá-lo) me chamou para irmos ao Parque Villa Lobos, e estou a caminho de lá.
Nem preciso contar que nossa tarde está sendo maravilhosa, pena que teremos que sair cedo, porque logo mais eu tenho um compromisso qualquer aí, “tenho que ir a igreja com uma amiga” falo a ele quando ele me pergunta. Sim, eu digo e repito: AMIGA. Não sei porque não contei para ele nesses dias a verdade. Mas quando eu paro e penso, eu vejo que a verdade é pesada demais. Porque não tem essa de meia verdade, de dizer uma palavra e esconder todo o resto, ou é a verdade nua e crua, ou então minta logo de uma vez. Eu não poderia simplesmente virar-me para ele nesta tarde encantadora e dizer: “Ei amor, sabe aquele compromisso religioso que eu disse que teria com minha amiga desconhecida?! Então, na verdade eu vou sair com um garoto que encontrei na internet, vou à igreja que ele frequenta, porque bem, tenho uma quedinha por ele, e quero ver se realmente você é o meu príncipe, ou se eu me enganei, e é com ele que eu deveria estar aqui curtindo essa tarde de Sol. Mas caso eu descubra que não é ele, então eu te ligo e a gente volta a sair normalmente como se nada houvesse acontecido, ok?” É, pesado demais para uma pessoa só.
Então às 16 horas eu já estou em casa me arrumando para encontrar a sombra negra que me assombrara durante esta semana. Olho no espelho e me sinto definitivamente linda. Sim, sou bonita, não linda, mas hoje em especial me sinto bem com a garota do espelho. Consigo chegar ao largo a tempo, ligo para ele. A voz. Nunca havia ouvido sua voz. Terrível, no entanto, tranquilizador. Saber que sua voz não era nem de longe parecida com a de um locutor era bom. Na verdade, estava mais parecida com a de um garoto de 14 anos indeciso sobre sua sexualidade. Conversamos bastante, e ao menos, por telefone, ele parece ser um garoto bacana. Só que máscaras são sempre bem feitas. Por telefone ele me guia, até que nossos caminhos se cruzam. Vejo um garoto moreno queimado de sol, da minha cor, sem camisa - os músculos das pernas, dos braços e do peitoral são saltados demais para um garoto de 16 anos -, com aqueles shorts usados para jogar futebol - Para mim é o mesmo que sair de samba canção pela rua -, vindo em minha direção. Logo de cara ele se mostra bem extrovertido. Tão eu. Começamos a conversar e ele me trata como um amigo, um ‘mano’ um ‘parça’. Normal, afinal nunca havíamos nem nos visto antes. Vamos até sua casa e eu fico na sala, assistindo Três Espiãs Demais, enquanto ele se arruma. Eu fico parada pensando. Eu estava ali, na casa do menino que eu havia acabado de puxar assunto no Facebook. Em menos de uma semana. Vamos à igreja. Preciso enfatizar, o culto está MARAVILHOSO. Eu não me sinto tão bem assim em uma igreja há anos. Eu sinto Deus tão próximo de mim, eu estou em outra dimensão, totalmente espiritual. Há cada palavras dita eu me desligo mais do mundo exterior, e por alguns minutos eu não lembro do meu príncipe, nem do esnobe, nem de nada além de Jesus. Sou muito religiosa. Então o esnobe se mostra como é. Engraçado, divertido, bonito, mas só. Além disso não há nada, além de um ser convencido e cheio de brincadeiras bobas, que ditas ou não inconscientemente, ferem. Ele me olha e me diz:
-Tenho amigos muitos gatos.
- É. Eu vi meninos muito bonitos.
- Foram os que mexeram com você?
- Sim.
- Então não deve ser meus amigos, eles são gatos demais para mexerem com você.
WHAAAAAAAT? Como assim? Em que mundo ele está para pensar que tem o direito de falar assim com uma garota que conhece há apenas 2 horas? Isso só foi uma das brincadeiras bobas e inocentes que ele costuma fazer. Sem contar nos ataques que ele tem de vez em quando que sim, ASSUSTAM, muito. Acho que é nesse momento que eu conto um detalhe: Quando o vi no Facebook, eu cometi o grande erro de dizer que queria ficar com ele. OH NÃO MEU DEUS! Pois acreditem, é a verdade. Eu não deveria, mas fiz. Porque, quem não arrisca não petisca, e eu preciso arriscar, porque eu sempre arrisco e sou fiel a minha sinceridade, sou direta, é inevitável. Acho que foi por isso que me senti tão humilhada. Poxa, eu tinha ido até lá, eu corria riscos, pois encontrei uma amiga do meu príncipe na igreja, e ela viu que eu estava com o esnobe. E se ela contasse? E se ele me perguntasse? O que eu diria? Pois é. Eu estava arriscando tudo, havia pegado 4 conduções para ir até lá, só para olhar nos olhos dele. E confirmar: Eu estava certa. Por um instante pensei em tirar seu título de “esnobe”, mas não, isso cabe a ele. Não vou negar, quero ser amiga dele, sim, ele é legal, mas não como um namorado, ele é mais amigão das pessoas, e a minha ilusão de que ele poderia ser doce e fofo não passara disso.
Version: English (by Google Translator)
Sunday. Finally the day came. It is today that I'll risk it, it's all or nothing. Yesterday my kitten (idealized prince, as we call it) called me to go to Parque Villa Lobos, and I'm on my way there.
Needless to mention that our afternoon is wonderful, pity we have to leave early, because soon I have an appointment there any, "I have to go to church with a friend" to tell him when he asks me. Yes, I say and I repeat: AMIGA. Do not know why he did not tell the truth these days. But when I stop and think, I see that the truth is too heavy. Why has not this half-truth to say a word and hide the rest, or is the naked truth, or lie just once. I could not just turn me to him this afternoon charming and say, "Hey love, you know that religious commitment I would have said to my friend unknown?! So actually I'm going out with a boy I met on the Internet, go to church he attends, because well, I have a crush on him, and if you really want to see is my prince, or if I was wrong, and is with him I should be here enjoying this afternoon sun But if I find out that he is not, then I'll call you back and we exit gracefully as if nothing had happened, ok? "It is too heavy for one person.
So at 16 hours I'm at home getting ready to find the black shadow that haunted me during this week. Look in the mirror and I'm definitely beautiful. Yes, I am beautiful, not beautiful, but today I feel particularly well with the girl in the mirror. I can get the time off, he'll call. The voice. He had never heard his voice. Terrible, however, reassuring. Knowing that his voice was not even remotely similar to an announcer was good. Actually, it was more like a 14 year old boy undecided about their sexuality. We talked a lot, and at least by telephone, he seems like a nice kid. Only masks are always well made. By phone he guides me, until our paths cross. I see a dark haired boy sunburned, my color, shirtless - the muscles of the legs, arms and chest are bulging too much for a 16 year old boy - with those shorts used to play football - for me is the same as boxers leave the street - coming towards me. Right away he shows well extrovert. So I did. We started talking and he treats me like a friend, a 'bro' a 'meager'. Normal, nor in anyway we had never seen before. Let's go to your house and I'm in the room, watching Totally Spies as he gets dressed. I'm still thinking. I was there in the house of the boy I had just pulled topic on Facebook. In less than one week. We go to church. I must emphasize, the cult is WONDERFUL. I do not feel so well in a church for years. God I feel so close to me, I'm in another dimension, totally spiritual. There is every word I said hang over the outside world, and for a few minutes I do not remember my prince nor the snob, or anything other than Jesus. I'm very religious. So the snob shown how. Funny, fun, beautiful, but lonely. Moreover there is nothing but a being cocky and full of silly jokes, said that unconsciously or not, hurt. He looks at me and tells me:
I have many friends-cats.
- It is. I saw very cute boys.
- There were those who messed with you?
- Yes
- So it should not be my friends, they are fumbling with too many cats for you.
Needless to mention that our afternoon is wonderful, pity we have to leave early, because soon I have an appointment there any, "I have to go to church with a friend" to tell him when he asks me. Yes, I say and I repeat: AMIGA. Do not know why he did not tell the truth these days. But when I stop and think, I see that the truth is too heavy. Why has not this half-truth to say a word and hide the rest, or is the naked truth, or lie just once. I could not just turn me to him this afternoon charming and say, "Hey love, you know that religious commitment I would have said to my friend unknown?! So actually I'm going out with a boy I met on the Internet, go to church he attends, because well, I have a crush on him, and if you really want to see is my prince, or if I was wrong, and is with him I should be here enjoying this afternoon sun But if I find out that he is not, then I'll call you back and we exit gracefully as if nothing had happened, ok? "It is too heavy for one person.
So at 16 hours I'm at home getting ready to find the black shadow that haunted me during this week. Look in the mirror and I'm definitely beautiful. Yes, I am beautiful, not beautiful, but today I feel particularly well with the girl in the mirror. I can get the time off, he'll call. The voice. He had never heard his voice. Terrible, however, reassuring. Knowing that his voice was not even remotely similar to an announcer was good. Actually, it was more like a 14 year old boy undecided about their sexuality. We talked a lot, and at least by telephone, he seems like a nice kid. Only masks are always well made. By phone he guides me, until our paths cross. I see a dark haired boy sunburned, my color, shirtless - the muscles of the legs, arms and chest are bulging too much for a 16 year old boy - with those shorts used to play football - for me is the same as boxers leave the street - coming towards me. Right away he shows well extrovert. So I did. We started talking and he treats me like a friend, a 'bro' a 'meager'. Normal, nor in anyway we had never seen before. Let's go to your house and I'm in the room, watching Totally Spies as he gets dressed. I'm still thinking. I was there in the house of the boy I had just pulled topic on Facebook. In less than one week. We go to church. I must emphasize, the cult is WONDERFUL. I do not feel so well in a church for years. God I feel so close to me, I'm in another dimension, totally spiritual. There is every word I said hang over the outside world, and for a few minutes I do not remember my prince nor the snob, or anything other than Jesus. I'm very religious. So the snob shown how. Funny, fun, beautiful, but lonely. Moreover there is nothing but a being cocky and full of silly jokes, said that unconsciously or not, hurt. He looks at me and tells me:
I have many friends-cats.
- It is. I saw very cute boys.
- There were those who messed with you?
- Yes
- So it should not be my friends, they are fumbling with too many cats for you.
WHAAAAAAAT? How so? In what world is he to think he has the right to talk like a girl who knows just 2 hours? This was only one of the innocent and silly jokes that he usually does. Not counting the attacks he has occasionally yes, scared, too. I think that is when I tell a detail: When I saw him on Facebook, I made the big mistake of saying he wanted to stay with him. OH MY GOD NO! Because believe me, it's the truth. I should not, but I did. Why, nothing ventured nothing gained, and I need to take risks, because I am faithful and always risking my sincerity, I am direct, is inevitable. I think that's why I felt so humiliated. Damn, I had gone there, I ran risks because my friend found a prince in church, and she saw that I was the snob. And if she told? And if he asks me? What would I say? Yeah. I was risking everything, had taken four conductions to go there just to look into his eyes. And confirm: I was right. For a moment I thought I'd take his title of "snob", but no, it's up to him. I will not deny, I want to be his friend, yeah, he's cool, but not as a boyfriend, he is best buddy of the people, and my illusion that he could be sweet and fluffy not spent it.
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